Breaking a Spine for Yoga

So, in order to try to get rid of some of the fat that has accumulated lately around my face and neck, I figured I better do something, lest I be mistaken for for a big tub o' guts.  

So I accompanied my charming wife to a 'gentle' yoga class as a start.  I figured, okay, stretch the muscles, get back into shape.  Good way to begin feeling better, and will hopefully lead to the shedding of few pounds of unsightly flab.

So, in yoga, for those who don't know, there are a bunch of body stretching 'positions', which have special names like Downward Dog, or Screaming Duck, or Ripped Achilles.   

Downward Dog is one of the basics, which, by the looks of the butt-cracks in our group, would more appropriately be called 'Downward Plumber.'   

Anyway, you can do this either on the floor, on your mat, or against the wall, which I did.  It consists of pushing your hands against the wall while simultaneously pushing your buttocks outward and keeping your feet under you so that you stretch your calves, thighs, hamstrings, buttocks, shoulders, biceps, triceps, and pecs, all in one fell swoop.  I think that if one was to really concentrate in this position, you could pop a clavicle right through your chest.  

If that were that to happen, I'm sure you'd get a round of applause from the class and congratulations from the instructor.

There was another position called Bleeding Goat or something like that, where I was lying on the mat, and had my arms outstretched in front of body in one of the most uncomfortable positions imaginable, when I noticed that the veins in my arm were standing out quite a bit.  I thought, cool, I'm getting buff already, until I noticed my whole arm was cold.  By the time I realized my circulation was cut off, my hand had turned blue. Fortunately, I was able to revert to the position 'Herniated Yak' in time to save the appendage. 

There were other positions such as 'Step-on-a-frog' which is a position that creates noises from the hind quarters.  Judging from the frowns on those nearby, I'm not sure if this is an approved position just yet.

Next, we did the Squatting Ox, a position where, if you do it correctly, and hold your breath at the same time, you can actually break your own spine. 

There were several other positions, such as Howling Colon, that I wasn't willing to try for fear of inducing a stroke.

The class was over in about an hour, and I was expecting several ambulances to be lined up to treat the wounded, but everyone just got up and shook their arms, put away their mats, and walked out without assistance.

I did the same, and actually started to feel pretty good after the hematomas went away.

Can't wait to go back!