Privatize it ALL!

With a nod to Hugh, Stephen, Philip, and Larry, let's imagine what would happen if we privatized all of government. 

Say your car's been stolen. You go into the police department to file a report.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, my car's been stolen."

"We have three levels of service to offer you today. For the cheapest price of $1000 we'll let all policepersons know your car's been stolen. 'So-and-so's car's been stolen, that note will say."

"That's not much help. And the next level...?"

"The next level actually identifies the auto to those policepersons--for $3000. And the highest level of 10K gets the most attention--they'll scour the area, look at the computer--whatever they can do to locate the auto and return it to you. And then they charge you extra, once they've found it, to get it back to you. Which level would you like to sign up for today?"

Or the fire department.

"I'd like to sign up for fire protection," you'll announce.

"Here are the levels of service," they'll offer. "First, for $1000 a year, we'll come watch the blaze with you. For $2000 a year we'll come with buckets but no water. And for $3000 a year, we'll put out the blaze for you, but we'll only stay for 15 minutes. To get the highest level of service, where actually put out the blaze completely, you pay $10,000."

Here's school:
"We'd like to register our child for elementary school."

"For a thousand a year, your child will get a classroom, a rest room down the hall, and 50 other kids. There are no teachers and parents volunteer to teach. Like Bush wanted."

"Hmmm...what are your higher levels?"

"For $5000 a year you get a teacher. Books are extra. So are meals. And transportation. See, at the lower payment levels there are a lot of kids. At the higher payment levels, the class sizes are way smaller and you can pick your colors. For $20K your kid gets it all, for half a school year."

The streets will be owned by private entities. Of course you'll pay a price to walk on them. 

"Would you like to buy a license to walk on 4th Street from Lincoln to B Street?"

"Why yes, how much?"

"$500 a year, which is payable to the SR Chamber of Commerce. That'll keep the homeless out of your hair. And if you pay $750, you get lunch with the Chamber's director, Rick Wells, out at Target."

"But that's a Pizza Hut!"

"You can pay more for a bay view out there.

Or city parks. Yeah, we already pay a fee just to get into state parks, even though you can park a ways away and just walk in. But we're talking premium--city parks. For the base fee you're allowed to walk in only 20 feet. More money gets you more access--a table for a picnic, a parking space, or a permit to take photos.

Politicians are already privatized, in some cases accepting cash for access. But now they can itemize it: $50 gets you 30 seconds. A thou gets you a half hour. For a special treat, max out at State Assembly prices. Heck, do that for Marc Levine and talk with him about his vote on Target. 

But think of this (Larry Bragman already has): PG&E already knows when you use your electric shaver or your electric toothbrush. 

What's that? You want to actually leave your house? Swipe your credit card at the door and go.

Want to breathe air? Sign up for dirty at low prices and pay a premium for clean air.

Wanna poop in private? Pay to close your bathroom door. You already pay for poop removal--heck you own the pipe to the street--but you'll pay extra to not have it smell. Heck, you already pay for water.

Why privatize it all?

Why, job creation!

Right?