"So what types of stress can parents expect to find in school-aged children?" I asked child psychologist Cathy Rea. She laughed a little grimly and I recognized that my question reveals a sad commentary – it's not a matter of whether our children will experience stress in school, just what kind. School anxiety is nothing new – many of us can remember the playground bullies of our childhoods and the dreaded pop quiz. But, along with heavier backpacks, kids seem to be hauling more academic and social stress than ever.
According to a 2009 American Psychological Association survey of 1,206 children ages 8 to 17, a third admitted to being more stressed out than they were a year before. Among their worries: family financial issues and academic pressure. Perhaps more troubling still, the study found that a large number of parents were missing their children's cues and failing to see that how they handle their own stress would influence their kids. Learning to recognize the causes and signs of stress in ourselves and our kids will help us all to reverse this unhappy trend.
Kindergarten and elementary school
Find out what's happening in San Rafaelwith free, real-time updates from Patch.
Stress in kindergarten and elementary school students is often internalized and manifested in headaches, stomachaches, disrupted sleep, clinginess, and teariness. Because so many kids attend preschool, separation anxiety is less common in kindergarten, say experts. "[Separation issues] do appear sometimes though when stuff is happening at home," said Rea. She encourages parents to work to resolve their own stress so that they can create a safe environment for kids. Parents can minimize worries by keeping kids excited and focused on good things happening at school.
Elementary years usher in the beginnings of cliques and competition for pecking order among peers; and teachers and parents play a vital role in helping kids to develop friendships and prevent bullying. "Teachers too often say, 'work it out for yourselves'," warns Rea. Children need to learn that asking for help is not tattling. Child and adolescent psychologist Mark Goldstein emphasizes that with younger kids, you can't let bullying go by. "Call the school and follow up with a letter to the school board if necessary, so everyone knows," he said.
Find out what's happening in San Rafaelwith free, real-time updates from Patch.
Another common stressor, homework, can also set down roots early on. Elementary years are the time to establish regular homework routines -- kids shouldn't be squeezing it in after activities or late at night. Make sure your kids are well fed and rested when they sit down to work. A child who seems to have attention deficit disorder could easily just be exhausted, said Rea.
Middle and high school
In middle and high school, stress and its signs look different. Sleep issues are one of the first problems a parent will see, along with lowered appetite, problems concentrating, and short-term memory decreases. Kids who are having social or academic worries may withdraw from social circles and display habits like hair twirling or nail biting. Stress in this preteen to teen age group often emanates from a struggle to fit in, to be good enough, and to establish a sense of independence. But while they may be breaking away, older kids need their parents just as much as before.
"Kids are evolving," Rea said, "and parents need to evolve as well." While before parents needed to provide structure, now they need to move into a 'shadow role,' being around their kids but not on top of them. Maintaining open communication and trust can be a high wire act. Parents must be present and aware, but also give kids privacy; be available to them, but never pry. "You need to do that dance and stay in their business enough so they don't have an excuse not to talk to us," said Rea.
Parents also need to be aware of the pressure they may be putting on kids to excel in all corners. Goldstein cautions that for school-aged children there is simply too much: excessive homework, longer days, too many choices and too much pressure to do it all (see the hit documentary Race to Nowhere produced by local mom Vicki Abeles). Goldstein recalls an 11-year-old patient who was involved with 11 different activities at once, and so stressed out that she was biting her nails and wetting her bed. He advises parents to be aware of seeking vicarious thrills through their kids and instead play an active role in helping kids to limit their activities.
Bullying behavior in older kids has become pervasive and more damaging in recent years. Know the signs of bullying behavior and learn how to address it with your children. Especially with older children, Goldstein advises that parents involve and empower their kids by asking them to brainstorm their own solutions. Rea reminds parents to model respectful behavior in their own interactions with spouses, friends, and children.
When our children show signs of stress, it is a loud wake up call to us all. In wanting the best for our kids, we must remember to separate out our own ambitions. In protecting them, we must also empower them.
Learn more about bullying behavior here:
The American Academy of Pediatrics
Visit local author Annie Fox's Website to learn why Cruel's Not Cool and to find more resources for you and your child.
